Being an english/writing major maybe I can be of some help
I am sorry if this post ends up long or if I seem like I am being too picky or critical... but as a writer myself, I know how important this type of criticism is to producing great work
First off, you have some grammatical errors.
First off:
"Most people knew them as the O’ Neil family. A cheerful yet quiet family who didn’t seem to speak to anybody who lived in the city."
These two sentences should be combined, as the second is a fragment and does not function alone. Also, try using more complex wording to break down wordy sentences into something with a more mature tone that suits the time of your story.
So, here is how I would chance up the lines above.
"Most people knew them as the O'Neil family, a cheerful yet quiet family who for some reason, were rarely ever seen socializing with their fellow city folk."
A few sentences later you typed "At the Front..." I believe the F should be lowercase. Also, you should specify "the front" more. Say something more along the lines of "At the front of the little cabin..."
In the same line it gets a little bit wordy again.
"...there was a hand carved door split into four sections and in each section there was a golden eagle carved in with fine detail."
Instead of using "and" to run the sentence onward, try to keep the sentence flowing without it. Here is an example of how you could make it work:
"...there was a hand-carved door split into four sections, with a finely detailed image of a golden eagle carved into each."
Also, are these sections you speak of panels? (4 squares - 2 top and 2 bottom" If so you might want to refer to them as such, if not then you are all set.
"The Golden Eagle symbolised that a trained hunter lived in the property."
Symbolized should have a "z" instead of an "s". Also, it would be "lived on the property" not "lived in the property", as you cannot live in property but on it haha
"A hunter is more dangerous at a range..."
You should change that to "Hunters are more dangerous at range" to keep yourself from sounding repetitive from the last line and also keep a good rhythm. Also, don't forget to put commas after the word that comes before "but" (you forgot to in that line).
"Theodrid made his living by hunting animals like bears and deer"
When writing stories, never use "like" in this way. If you are showing examples of things he hunts then use "such as" in place of "like".
"He would either use the hunt to feed his family or sell them for money to the hunting lodge by Lake Maddel."
Being a hunter myself (falconry), our killings are never called "hunt" and I have never heard that term used before :\ Many hunters actually just refer to whatever they successfully hunted as their "kill" or the "bounty of the hunt".
I would re-write the line as follows:
"He would either use the bounty of each hunt to feed his family, or sell it to the hunting lodge by Lake Maddel to earn some money."
"He was a very successful hunter but what not many people knew was that he was also a skilled swordsman able to wield a broadsword without any trouble at all."
First off, don't forget your commas before each "but".
Here is how I would change that line:
"He was known for being a very skilled hunter. What many people did not know, was that he was also a very skilled swordsman, able to wield a broadsword without any trouble at all."
"Theodrid had just come home from a long unsuccessful hunt in the dark depths of Gallowood."
Comma should go after "long".
"As he was halfway through, he saw six men on horse back were riding towards the cabin."
Get rid of "were".
"Five of them were surrounding a tall man in the middle. "
This line should come right after the last line I corrected, as it is out of place where it is now.
"The five men were all medium build and looked as if they would be no match for Theodrid’s skill with a blade."
Instead of using "the five men" again, just say "They" to keep from being repetitive. Also, say "of a medium build" as it doesn't make too much sense at it is now.
"He held his chin high showing he was more important than the other men."
I would write this as:
"He held his chin high, giving off a sense of superiority over the other men".
"An iron bolt was launched into the first man skull"
Should be "first man's skull"
"He instantly reloaded and aimed it at the second bodyguard."
Instead of "he" say Theodrid, as it sounds like you are still talking about the bodyguard who fell off of his horse and died haha Also, get rid of the "it".
"With not enough time to shoot again slung the crossbow back onto his back and drew his sword."
Change to:
"With too little time to shoot again, Theodrid slung the crossbow across his back and drew his sword."
"He jumped to the side and just managed to nick the horse leg with the tip of his sword."
Should be "horse's leg".
"He braced himself and met the guards’ sword."
Should be "guard's".
"With no time to parry, Theodrid meet his blade and with a clash of steel"
Should be "met" not "meet".
"Theodrid winced in pain and when he touched where he was hit, he realised he was bleeding."
Change to:
"Theodrid winced in pain. He touched the place where he was hit and realized that he was bleeding."
And the home stretch! haha
"He was a few metres away when he was stopped in his tracks when one of the bodyguards threw a rock straight at his temple. When he hit the floor his vision went blurry and the sound was muffled and then he blacked out… "
Change to:
"He was a few metres away, but was suddenly stopped in his tracks when a rock thrown by another bodyguard made contact with his (right or left - you choose) temple.
He felt shock radiate through his body as he hit the ground. His vision blurred and the sounds around him quickly became muffled beyond comprehension. Then, with a cruel darkness caving in on his vision, he blacked out."
Just watch your grammar and try to juice it up with come complex and time-appropriate wording. Get dramatic with it
Overall, I really like the story and want to know what happens and why these people were coming to his cottage. Keep going!!
