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[allosaurus]

I'm currently writing part of a story... I'll post some of it here, and I'll keep you updated.  I would like comments and questions and criticism, please.  Also, paragraphing is messed up, I know.  it's not compatible here.



   The padding of flat, bird-like, feet in the sand and the occasional thin click of a claw on a rock.
   Similar, birdlike, forms with suspended, long, side-sweeping, tails move onward beneath the hot sun.
   Meet the terror of Cretaceous Mongolia, the Velociraptor mongoliensis.
   
   … Meet the bachelor pack.
   The alpha of the pack, Archaic, is easily identified by his black-and-russet gradient feathered crest, as well as his many scars, the most prominent being a deep vertical slash just in front of his eye.  He’s a battle veteran, a pugnacious individual.  Despite his fierce disposition, he’s found no mate of his own; this is because his feathers are not particularly bright or show-offish.  
   The brighter your colors, the brighter your chances of getting a mate—this goes for both sexes. He leads a pack of fellow bachelor males; Velociraptors don’t always hunt in packs, but the packs they hunt in are usually family packs.  When you’ve got no mate or offspring, the next best thing is to band together a group with similar traits, and hunt with them.
   Up on Archaic’s side, in front of the subordinates, is a brown-crested, scrawny, individual with particularly scruffy feathers—Scrawl.  
Scrawl’s actually a distant relative of Archaic, but neither of them would know.  Scrawl is valued by Archaic for being able to take control of the pack if it need be, as well as helping to keep the subordinates in line, and thus he is the only beta in the pack.  Although Scrawl isn’t anywhere near as strong or experienced as Archaic, he’s still a force to be reckoned with.
The group is currently hunting for prey.  It’s dry season in the desert, and the vital things like food and water are becoming increasingly rare.  The bachelor pack hasn’t eaten in over a day—at this point, if they come across another pack, they will attack and perform a desperate act of cannibalism.
There’s something moving in the distance-- prey?  Even if it’s not prey, it is now.
Archaic shoots forward, Scrawl at his side and slightly behind, and the subordinates following obediently.  It’s difficult to see exactly what’s out there in the heat, but whatever it is, they’re about to attack it.
As they near, it’s evident exactly what the moving object is.  A Protoceratops—a lone pair.
The Protoceratops is a Ceratopisan—a relative of the more famous dinosaur, Triceratops.  They’re much smaller, though, as they’re about the size of a sheep; they also have no prominent horns, and a much smaller frill.
 This event is odd, as they normally live in small herds, but it’s an advantage to the raptors, who won’t have to deal with multiple items of prey charging and panicking at the same time.  It’s also strange to see them away from a nest, just out in the middle of the dunes like this, but the raptors really don’t care.
They charge, startling the two Protoceratops and causing them to run in the opposite direction. Still, the pack is far faster; when Archaic and Scrawl each jump onto a Protoceratops, the subordinates divide and follow their superiors.
The massive claw on the toe of the Velociraptor is used mainly for gripping onto prey and holding on.  Though it can do some serious damage depending on the situation, it’s not very well suited for slashing and cutting.  It’s important, though, because it’s what allows the Velociraptors to hold on to the bucking Protoceratops, so they can make the kill.
The pack slashes and bites fiercely.  Blood and flesh flies, and in nearly no time at all, their prey is dead.  They finally receive their feast; normally, Archaic and Scrawl would get first dibs on the meat, but with such an abundant amount, everyone knows that’s not necessary.  Each raptor gets to eat their fill.
Oh—visitors?  From behind the dunes nearby emerges another pack of Velociraptors.  This is a huge family pack, led by the young, handsome, male nicknamed Sapphire Devil.  Sapphire’s gorgeous blue crest causes him to stand out against the desert—against the other males themselves. He has many mates due to his brilliance, which makes for his extremely large pack of some of his mates and children, and their mates.
Such a large pack has advantages and disadvantages.  The larger your pack, the more force you have… however, the larger your pack, the more bellies you also have to fill.  And all the members of this pack need full bellies.
Archaic is the first to react, and steps forward, giving a warning hiss.  Although his pack is obviously outnumbered, he’s enough of a fight-picker to attempt to go against Sapphire Devil and his pack.  And, truthfully, Archaic has the ability to win if he really wants to.
… And so begins the fight between the king and the outlaw of the desert.
They charge simultaneously, but Sapphire Devil is the first to pounce, giving him an advantage.  The two struggle, Sapphire biting furiously at Archaic’s soft underbelly.  Archaic is larger and stronger though, and promptly turns the fight around by rolling over and attaining the above position in one swift move.  Perturbed, and strengthened by his new advantage, he begins tearing at Sapphire’s underbelly.  Both packs watch their leaders nervously—if needed, the packs will clash.
Sapphire’s beta, his brother, makes a foolish move and charges at Scrawl.  Predictably, Scrawl does not take kindly to this, and charges as well.
Unfortunately, the whole thing has turned into a massive battle; all of the bachelor pack subordinates act aggressively because of the behavior of Sapphire Devil’s beta, in turn provoking Sapphire Devil’s family pack into a group ravage.
Instantly, the packs clash.  It’s difficult to see exactly what’s going on—so much action, so much bloodshed, so many feathers flying.  It’s unclear which pack has gained the upper hand, which is surprising, considering the huge size of Sapphire’s pack.  The bachelor pack is full of well-trained fighters, being led by such an immensely strong leader.
Within the course of the fight, subordinates from both groups are lost.  
With some brutal gashes received from Scrawl, and a devastating crunch to the head, Sapphire Devil’s beta staggers away from the fight wearily… and away… and drops to the ground just a few meters away from the chaos, alive no more.
The battle continues—but not for much longer.  It comes to an abrupt halt as Sapphire Devil surrenders and flees the area, followed not by his pack, but only by his preferred mate.  One could argue that either he deserted his pack, or his pack deserted him—whoever you want to blame, it doesn’t matter, because Sapphire Devil is no longer the king of the desert, and his brother is in charge of the now-fleeing pack.
From the depths of his chest, Archaic pulls out a triumphant roar that can be heard for miles across the otherwise silent desert, before unceremoniously returning to his meal of Protoceratops meat. Luckily for him, there’s an oasis nearby—that’s where the Protoceratops were headed off to.  Archaic and the live members of his fortunate pack get not only a meal, but a drink too.  Oh, what a good life they lead.

[allosaurus]

Things are very different for Sapphire Devil, however.  He’s without a pack, and practically alone compared to the lifestyle he’s familiar with—at the moment, he only has a single mate with him, Altima, an individual with sort of off-white ivory feathers and pale scales.
  It’s not actually her genetic color, but a mutation, a bit like albinoism but not quite the same thing.  No male raptor would know that—they just see the color, see that it’s not muddy, and assume she’s a healthy individual.  In reality, that is not so; individuals with such mutations tend to have joint, bone, and vision problems, and are normally relatively frail.  Altima is lucky—she only suffers from minor arthritis and slightly blurry vision.  Under normal circumstances she wouldn’t be very useful, and now she’s even less so—she’s carrying eggs.
Mating season just passed, and therefore there are many females with eggs, nearly ready to lay. Many females are carrying Sapphire’s eggs, but it’s likely that Sapphire will never see the offspring, or simply not recognize them. 
With Altima pregnant and Sapphire hungry, the pair must find something to eat, somewhere—somewhere far away from the bachelor pack.
Speaking of which, the bachelor pack is doing very well.  Full of meat and drink, the Velociraptor equivalents of late-night partygoers lay down contentedly for a good night’s sleep.
Sapphire Devil and Altima travel on through the night, looking for prey.  If they sleep, they risk starving, so they desperately need to eat.
It seems nature has given them their fair share of luck; the body of a deceased Shuvuuia, though small, is enough for them to share and be relatively full.  They lay down after eating, and fall asleep.
Altima shifts uncomfortably in the middle of the night.  With a sense of urgency, she hops up and proceeds to dig a small cavity in the ground.  This is where she will lay her eggs—this is her nest.
Slowly and tensely, she sits in the nest and crouches.  One elongated egg after another, a healthily-sized clutch of fourteen eggs is laid.  Altima carefully nudges each one with her snout into a sort of circular arrangement in the nest, each one with one end pointing inward.
By early sunrise, Altima is sitting in the middle of her eggs, and the long, warm, brooding feathers which she grew on her arms during mating season are covering the eggs and keeping them warm.  Sapphire Devil, awake, approaches and nudges at her in order to examine the eggs, to make sure they belong to him—and they do.
This was very inconvenient timing for Altima to lay her eggs.  She is tired and will be for the next few days, and she also must incubate her eggs all night—that means that she won’t do much moving, and she is vulnerable.  It’s up to Sapphire to protect her if she happens to be threatened, but it’s also up to Sapphire to hunt… Which is where the problem lies.  There’s nothing to eat around here, except for the other creatures that died of starvation, and obviously that’s not a reliable source.  It will be tough to stay alive here.
As expected, the bachelor pack is having a much nicer time.   They’re moving on again—without mates, there’s really not much for them to do but hunt, drink, eat, kill, and aid the process of natural selection.  In order to do all of the above and to survive, they need to move constantly to new hunting grounds.  They usually spend the day traveling and eating, and the night sleeping.  It’s a relatively nice life, even though –if they abide by the pack ‘rules’—their genes will never be passed on.
   Archaic and Scrawl both have the right to act aggressively to pack members who wish to abandon pack for a mate.  They can’t have too many members gone or individually supported and raised to a higher position.  The latter thought, though, is not what occurs to them—it’s written like a code into their instinct to prevent it from happening.
   …and this instinct is especially important when they encounter every bachelor pack alpha’s worst nightmare:
   A fully female pack.
   The small pack marches forward—directly toward Archaic’s pack.  The females’ alpha died several weeks ago, in a fight with an outcast that obviously was not interested in taking the pack as his own.  Although the current alpha placeholder, a light teal-feathered individual named Madagascar, is perfectly capable of leading the pack herself, instinct says to find a male to lead it.
   Archaic does not take kindly to this pack, and acts aggressively toward Madagascar.  He ruffles up his feathers and hisses, while waving his tail, spreading his arms to show off his claws, and fully raising his major toe claw.
   Madagascar backs off, and stands there for a moment, before nonchalantly heading toward Scrawl and surveying him.  Scrawl, not quite as aggressive as Archaic (nor in a position to be), deals only some snarling and a snap at the air near Madagascar.   She moves on quicker than she did for Archaic, as, although Archaic is not exactly the best specimen in the desert, Scrawl is even worse.


( will be writing more soon...)

[hannahg]

Hey there!
I'm a pro freelance content editor and proof-reader, and published author and I have to say this is good stuff!
you've got a good way of telling a story, well done so far!
Hannah

[allosaurus]

WOW!  Thank you! 

[fancyfont]

Beautifully witten, Allo. When will you have more of the story for us to read. Can't wait to find out if there will be some new gals in town for good.

[Crewella]

I enjoyed reading that, Allo.  Nicely paced and built on good solid research, so it was interesting too! 

[Talon]

Awesome job, Allosaurous! Now you've got me curious. To be honest I've never read any in depth books about dinosaurs other than Michael Criton's Gerrasic Park series. I'm not sure if he was aiming for just turning pages or scientiffic accuracy. Sorry to any fans if I butchered names. I'm certainly going to enjoy following the story of Archaic's pack. Thanks for posting.
Talon

[Crewella]

In my view, scientific accuracy isn't as important as whether or not the 'facts' follow a logic and are followed through so they make sense in that world. 

[allosaurus]

Does anyone have a current favorite Velociraptor so far?

I'm meaning to model this story after Meerkat Manor and have it so individual readers will have individual favorites; I am trying to focus on all the raptors, instead of just choosing one as a main character.

[Crewella]

Does anyone have a current favorite Velociraptor so far?

I'm meaning to model this story after Meerkat Manor and have it so individual readers will have individual favorites; I am trying to focus on all the raptors, instead of just choosing one as a main character.

Scrawl, definitely!

[allosaurus]

Okay  Scrawl may not be the best-looking, but somehow he sure is lovable!

[mweed]

Good work allo!  I must admit I find this better written than some of your older "pure fantasy" stuff.  Keep it up!

It's also nice to find we have a number of writers here in the forms.  (I knew you wrote, allo.  but it seems we're attracting a more literary crowd like hannahg and talon.)   Of course since I don't speak proper english and can't spell worth a darn, I got a degree in English with a specialization in Creative Writing.  So whenever I get the next Bob the Pleo saga ready I guess I'll be bugging you folks as well!

[allosaurus]

Thanks, mweed!



I have more of my writing here (not any more of this story yet), if anyone's interested: http://figment.com/users/19043-Indigo-Crow

Also, if any writers want to join the site, go ahead.  It's a really helpful and fun site. 

[Crewella]

I can see the 'Meercat Manor' reference.  I love the stories of Ernest Thompson Seton, animal stories but real in tooth and claw (I cried for about a week over Lobo), and this had a similar feel to me?

[fancyfont]

I like scruffy Scrawl, too! Totally dependable.

[latrine]

I really like Archaic so far, though I'm hoping he finds a female who will see how tough he is and find that more attractive than his scruffy crest feathers...
I hadn't wanted to interrupt the story so I had sent a message telling you I thought it was really great when you first wrote it, I hope you got it, it's really a good story and I'm really looking forward to reading more!!
I loved the Jurassic Park books as well and he also wrote a velociraptor one from, I believe, a female Raptor's point of view, and it was really great, but now we know so much more and yours is obviously much more realistic.  I think your really drawing us in fast with your charactors, it's great so far.

One thing that did confuse me was that, when Sapphire lost his herd, I would have thought Archaic would have tried to take it over, or tried to take the females or something like that.. or with the female pack that came near, but I guess we still have to see what happens with that female herd.  I definately see them going for the most attractive specimen, like lots of tropical birds do, but a tough guy to defend the babies is always good to, Can't wait to read more!

- Sarah

[allosaurus]

(Please excuse the fact that I haven't updated recently, OR even written that much-- I not only have a lot of stuff to do, but also a few other stories to attend to, and some poetry to get onto paper    This starts off right where I left off, which is why it's a bit abrupt)


   Generally, what a ‘female bachelor pack’ desires is a male bachelor pack or a male leader.  They’ve found the former, and they are to make the best of it.  Archaic and Scrawl, though, would rather this not happen.
   One bachelor steps out of the pack toward the female pack.  Archaic snaps at him irritably—this male, Warlock, is notoriously rambunctious; he is also the most attractive in the group by far, his blue-gray feathers telling his distant relation to Sapphire Devil.
   Madagascar gladly receives this renegade male, ready to call him the alpha.  Although it’s a little bit late, it’s still mating season, so there will be an opportunity to breed—well, not if Archaic interferes, which he does.
   He snaps at Warlock aggressively, but then backs off, as Warlock has already invited himself into the other pack.  He and his new pack scamper off across the desert sands, leaving the bachelor pack one member less.
   Pah!  Good riddance.
   Sapphire Devil and Altima, in the meantime, are having some difficulty feeding themselves fully. Instinctually, whatever Sapphire catches goes to Altima first, since her job of sitting on the eggs is surprisingly important and a delicate process.
 If she’s not fed adequately, she will first begin to lose what little fat she has on her, and then possibly lose a large amount of her feathers; both of these help keep the eggs warm at night, when the desert cools down considerably.  When Altima finishes eating her fill, the rest –which is normally not much—goes to Sapphire. 
   After a few days of this process, the situation becomes pressing. Altima is beginning to lose too much weight, and expectedly, Sapphire Devil is in a worse state.  Altima is also still rather tired… and cranky.
   In a bit of a snappy mood today, she nips Sapphire on the neck while he’s dilly-dallying near her instead of hunting. What an irresponsible male!

[allosaurus]

Fortunately, there is more coming soon.  I think I went through another one of my no-inspiration-for-a-month-or-so things....

[Crewella]

C'mon Allo - that was just a tease! 

I look forward to more! 

[fancyfont]

Looking forward to more!

[scaledandtailed]

  Very well written I have to say.
 However and please don’t take this as a failing this is only a personal opinion but it’s just missing something for me.
 The story is good, the language is very good and very   descriptive all things I love in a book   however it reads to me more like a BBC animal   documentary than an actual peace of fiction. 
 If this   was your intention then yes I think you’ve    succeeded very well. .
 
 However I as a reader would like to know more about the characters thoughts   as well as their actions.
 I know this is very difficult as you don’t want to risk too much anthropomorphication    but   it would help bring the story to life more  if you could strike  that balance. 
 Of course it probably doesn’t help that I’m reading it via a screen reader which tends to kind of kill the flow somewhat.
 
   
   Again   just my own personal thoughts and    I’m no writer and have no talent in that area.
  Scaly   

[allosaurus]

scaledandtailed-- thank you for honest feedback!  The idea was to make it an educational piece-- fictional, speculative, and sometimes lighthearted, but an educational piece nonetheless.  I'll be sure not to make it too much 'fact' and not enough 'personality.'

[Jett]

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dNhKcY2V_Ro" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dNhKcY2V_Ro</a>

[MariaOcean]

Was that a velocirraptor tap dancing ?!

[Jett]

AHhaHA!  It's a rubber toy Velocirapter "tap dancing" on the kitchen table. PIMP! ahhaah

Was that a velocirraptor tap dancing ?!